Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I'm so full it's making me sick

Gluttony. It is the plague of my life. It is an addiction to be sure. And I am beginning to understand the nature of addictions more than ever. It's not merely something you don't want to give up; it is something you almost cannot give up. The process of detox is so painful and freedom a step farther than you think you can endure. That is what friends and family are for; to help carry your burdens when they are truely more than you can bear. 
I am so overly full I don't even know it. Most, if not all have been there. When you go through a spell of consistantly consuming too much you start to confuse your inner pains with hunger pains, you become so accustomed to being overly full that you don't even know what it means to be hungry. I am overly full of life, this life.
I need detox, but not the conventional kind. I don't know of a treatment center that I can check into or even a church outreach program to attend. I need to be detoxed from this world. In the last few months I have been fervently praying that the Lord would strip away whatever is in me or I believe that is a lie and replace it with His truth. And wow, what lies I have believed. 
When God created us in the garden, He gave us everything we needed for life. When we left the garden we still had everything we needed for life, plus the addition of animal skins to cover our shame. No t.v.'s, homes, cars, or grocery stores. We, humans, had no buildings to worship in or hospitals to treat us. We had our bodies, the ground beneth our feet and faith in the God who provides all things. 
Let me ask you: When you strip away all the concerns of life and be brutally honest with yourself, what is the goal of our lives and purpose of our being here in the Lord's eyes? Is it to establish a place of safety and security for ourselves? To develop a name to be proud of? An empire? Satan's sin that was His downfall was vanity. Self love. Pride. And how proud we are of our accomplishments. Our homes. Our jobs. Our families. Our churches. But as Jesus compared, what are any of these compared to the lilies of the field or the cosmos around us? 
I'm scared, real scared. And I mean that literally. I'm scared I won't do what it is God wants me to do. I'm scared that I will choose this world over Him. And I should be, because I do. Everyday i spend working tword my own ambitions, no matter how nobel I rationalize them to be, I choose me over Him. I'm scared to let go too. What if I abandon too much? What if I take this too far? Is God really going to convict me for my faithlessness and fear? 
I tend to go through spiritual swings. Ups and downs, endlessly. Classic of an addict.  I hate them, but I have no idea how to get out of them. I have been in one over the last week. I have been feeling so alone and directionless. I know in my heart that my destination in this life lies nowhere close to where I am now. However, that doesn't stop me from being fickel about my commitments in the here and now. I had $735 dollars put back for my tithe. I can't give it to a church, with a clean conscience, that isn't burning with passion for Jesus inwardly, not just in appearance. I feel the Holy Spirit leading me in this. But my wicked heart works on me; my selfish desires, my worldly ambition.
Yesterday, me and the family wanted to get out of the house, but were broke until payday on Monday. So we borrowed $35 for gas and also got some food with it. And then today I felt the cabin fever again and wanted to go see a movie by myself just to get a moment of peace to myself. I took another $100 dollar bill out. Between the movie, and eating out for dinner and them some more DVD's we bought after dinner, we now have $20 of that $100 left. And then I thought, "What's the point? The money is just sitting in there with no destination. What does it matter anyway? I'm in a slump and this will make me feel better.I might as well take the rest of the money and get some stuff done that is long overdue. I will repent, God will forgive, and then eventually I will be on the up swing again." And yes, I know how easy it is to read that and judge. How blatantly wrong it is! But we do it all the time! We submit because we rely on mercy to pick up the slack.
This is my addiction. I just can't seem to stop feeding my fears and weakness. I feel that all to familar ache. For anyone who has had a drug addiction, doesn't this sound familiar? You love the drug, but you hate it. If you could just endure the pain you would get out on the otherside of it and get the relief you need from the weight you have been carrying. But I would say it is an impossible road to go alone. 
I want to be free from the addiction of comfort. I want to be free from the addiction of safety. I want to be free from the addiction of security. I want to be free from the addiction of social appoval. I want to be free from the addiction of stimulation. But first I have to find a way to endure and push through to the otherside; to where I will be finally standing in the true light I so desperatly crave. 
The classic first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. Do you see this in yourself? Do you look around and realize that the life you are living "for Christ" isn't right? That when you read the lives of the apostles, that what we have is a faint shadow of what they had, if that. It's hard to do that. It means big changes. It means persecution, because you fellow addicts are not going to like you saying your's and their life style are an addiction to this world. But I tell you the truth: It is death we are walking twords. The Lord is coming, and He is coming soon. Come out from among them. Tune your ears to the master's voice. Walk by the Spirit and be free.

Feel free to comment or ask questions! 

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